WOULD IT FLY TODAY? – Interesting Re-framing of the founding of islam



Would Islam, if invented today, have a chance of success, or even survival?  Let’s explore the possibilities.  Yes, it’s certainly impressive that well over a billion inhabitants of the world profess Islam as their sacred religion, but would it fly today?  That is the question!

Here’s a scenario, but updated to the 20th century:  A character, by name Muhammad, which I understand is still a popular name in the area, was born in 1904, in a 4th World country.  He had a rough early life and grew up mad at the world!  His father died before he was born, and his mother when he was only six.  A grandfather took him in but the grandfather died six years later, when he was twelve.  He was then passed on to an uncle.  This was in 1916, and
World War I was in full swing, but the fighting was far to the north, hardly effecting
Muhammad’s part of the world.

The uncle had a prosperous company, Dromedary Transport Ltd., using camels, in a trading center of the area called Mekkah.  The kid was immediately put to work and served the uncle for thirteen years moving cargo from here to there in his part of the world, and several other surrounding countries.  The camel drivers were a horny and rowdy lot, and women were few and far in between.  It can only be imagined what a temptation, a tender 12 year old, was for some of the drivers.  While on the road, they would camp out (no Motel 6’s available).  Their usual entertainment was to sit around a camel-chip campfire, drinking home brew and telling stories.  Since the kid had never been to school, and at best could make his mark, what education he picked up was through these stories.  But not attending school was no great loss; the few schools around taught that the world is flat and that the sun revolves around the earth!  Some of the drivers were Christians and Jews so he picked up garbled versions of the Talmud and Bible, some local folk tales, and even some ancient Greek stories.

In 1929, when Muhammad was 25, the uncle had a serious problem with some illegal immigrants, trying to muscle in on the uncle’s operation.  The uncle called on all relatives to fight, including Muhammad.  Things got hot in a hurry, and Muhammad yelled, “Feet, do your thing!” and took off!  As could be expected, after the battle, which the uncle and his forces won, Muhammad was given the boot.  This was also the year of the Great Stock Market Crash, but it practically went unnoticed in Muhammad’s part of the world.  There were few people with any cash money, no local stock markets, few telephones, radios, or cars and practically nothing to export with exception of a little frankincense, myrrh, and gum-Arabic.  Most of the people there lived with a dog’s philosophy; if you can’t eat it, or screw it, piss on it!

For a short while, he worked as a sheepherder; the only job lower in his part of the world is a camel breeder.  That’s the guy who, by hand, has to be sure that the camels get their yin and yang together!  But fortune smiled on our hero. He got a job as a traveling salesman, peddling sheet goods for a wealthy widow.  In less than a year, he went from broke and homeless to a comfortable life.  He took a short cut by marrying the much older widow!  He was 25; she was 40!  It’s not known if his sudden good fortune was due to a fantastic sales record of sheet goods, or excellent performance between the sheets with the widow.  However, according to the local yokels, it was a good marriage; each got what they wanted.  The lonely widow got a young stud, and our boy achieved instant prosperity.  Also, in that part of the world, a woman has few rights of her own, and fewer if not married.  (Gloria Steinem had not as yet been born!)  A wife caught taking a lover could rapidly reach room temperature, but a husband was expected to mess around, with as many women as possible.  And, our young man played the role of local stud with great gusto. Starting three years after his marriage, in 1932, he had five kids with his girl- friends in just seven years, financed by his wife’s money, of course.  Some years later, Muhammad bragged to his friends that he could service up to nine of his women in a single night… what a man!  And this was years before Viagra!  So, from 1932 to 1947, he lived a comfortable life and dallied with the local ladies.  There wasn’t much else to do for entertainment; to this day the town has no bars, poolrooms, or movie theaters…not even a Starbucks or McDonalds!

In 1944, when 40, fifteen years after his first marriage, he really “wierded out” and started to have “revelations” or hallucinations, depending on your point of view.  He would hike up to a mountain cave near his home and meditate, sometimes for several days.  There were no local drug pushers, so there had to be another explanation.  There are several; take your pick!  He might have been an epileptic, or suffered from a mental illness of some sort, a brain tumor, or had been kicked in the head by a camel!  Muhammad’s first revelation, which he seems to have believed, was that he had been chosen as God’s (Allah’s) last and most perfect prophet on earth!  The Angel Gabriel told him so!

Though the civilized world was being turned upside down by World War II, in Muhammad’s little backwater of the world, things chugged along as they had done for thousands of years.  You ate with your right hand, and wiped your butt with the left.  To this day, inside plumbing, toilet paper, deodorant and such are hi-tech items!

His second revelation came, in 1947, after a dry spell of three years, but then continued in a steady stream.  He had convinced a few relatives and close friends that sure enough, he was God’s Prophet.  The most spiritual, or outrageous, story was the following:  In 1953, his buddy Gabriel, showed up again and took him for a trip through the heavens.  They rode on the back of a “white mule-like beast “ with a human head to Jerusalem, where he prayed a couple of times at Solomon’s Temple, which by the way, had been in ruins for over 500 years.  Then they zipped off to Heaven, where he had a bull session with all the lesser prophets including Adam, Abraham, Moses and even Jesus.  Since he had already been designated as God’s Last and Most Perfect Prophet, we can assume that all were properly respectful of his superior position.

In that same year, 1947, when 49, his first wife died, and then an uncle, not the one that had thrown him out for being a coward, also died.  This uncle had been protecting him against his enemies, mostly his own relatives.  On this bad news, he cut out, bag and baggage, to safety in a nearby town.  He stayed only a short while, until he could cut a deal with the head of another family clan for protection.  By this time he has his own band of groupies, his “Companions”, who followed him around, like little puppies, scribbling down everything that he said.  There were no Office Depot or Staples stores handy, to load up on ballpoint pens and tablets, but they made do with rocks, pieces of wood, animal hides, or anything else that didn’t move.  And, if nothing was handy, his inner circle committed each precious word to memory; every one of them had total recall!  After all, they were recording God’s (Allah’s) words, dripping from the lips of His Last and Most Perfect Prophet!  The more profound statements were eventually collected and put down in a haphazard book form, which then became “God’s Holy Book”!  And several thousand of the less profound observations or opinions of God, such as how to part your hair, blow your nose, put on your shoes, take a whiz, fornicate, or shave your crotch, were equally revered, because they also came directly from the mouth of God’s Prophet!  The bit about shaving the crotch wasn’t to keep pubic hairs from peeping out from under a thong; it was used back then, and still today, as the best way to control “crabs”, or crotch lice.  Blue Star ointment wasn’t as yet available there.

Though difficult to imagine, the combination of God’s Holy Book and the less profound statements became absolute law for any and all of Muhammad’s followers, so much so that these revelations later became the only base for the legal system of his area’s society, even to this day.  What a concept!

About this time our Prophet went public with his message, but few were interested, especially the Jews and Christians he was trying to reach.  Some laughed their heads off at him, not realizing at the time that a short while later their heads would really come off!

And, in the same year of his first wife’s death, he marries two other wives, and eventually at least eight others; some people say fifteen.  But, deciding if a woman was a wife or not was tough.  His groupies said that if Muhammad insisted they wear a veil, they were wives; otherwise they were just live-in girlfriends.  But give him his due; he didn’t start his marrying spree until his first wife died.  This was undoubtedly due to a consideration of her feelings, though a mean spirited person might suspect that she had a firm control of the family purse strings until her death.

His third wife Aisha, was a political move, since she was the daughter of his bosom buddy, Abu Bakr.  Muhammad had already decided that Abu would take over the family business when our Prophet was called home to Heaven. The bridegroom was about 50 at the time and the bride was either six or nine, depending on your source of info.  But it was certainly a lie that the bride’s grade school was let out early so her fellow students could attend the wedding; there were no schools as yet in the area.  And, practically everyone agrees that “opening night” didn’t happen until three years later, when she was either nine or twelve, again depending on your source of information.  If nothing else, this clearly proved that God’s Prophet was compassionate, and considerate towards children!

Three years later, in 1956, our Prophet had picked up about seventy followers but he also still had some serious enemies, mostly his relatives; the same ones he had left behind when he bugged out from the fight some twenty-seven years before.  They had long memories!  They also controlled a local tourist attraction, a shrine called the Kaaba.  It had been there since Methuselah was a pup…I mean a long-long time!  The shrine has a big black rock and people came from miles around to worship there, after paying a few coins or produce to visit.  Sheep and goats were big for trading for tickets, but turtledoves would also do.  The big tourist season was a holy month called Ramadan when even the worst bandits of the area could be counted on not to be up to much mischief.  Disneyland it wasn’t, but it was supposedly the home of over 350 different gods, which just about covered the religious needs of the area.  You can only imagine the boost Ramadan gave the local economy; everything went up in price for about six weeks. Hosting a summer Olympics might be a good comparison, but without having to invest jillions of shekels, the local currency, for stadiums and such.  And, it was a great moneymaker, year after year!

Our Prophet made the mistake of trying to convince the public that all the false gods should be thrown out and that only one god, Allah, should be worshipped there; of course with himself in control of ticket sales.  His relatives didn’t see it that way at all, and threats were made.  Muhammad again decided that he needed a healthier climate.  He and about 70 followers went to a little town (Madinah) more than 300 klics away, and set up shop.  The town was a peaceful farming community, with a considerable population of Jews and Christians.  The farmers were no match for Muhammad’s thugs; within a few weeks they had intimidated the locals and were running the town.  The Prophet was now a big frog in a little pond!  This again was in 1956.

His men weren’t in the least interested in job-hunting in their new base, but the rich convoys leaving and entering their old hometown of Mekkah, could provide interesting opportunities for hijacking.  They asked permission of the Prophet.  After a suitable period of meditation, some say as long as a New York minute, he said, “Have at it boys”!  This was in 1957, just a year after arriving in Madinah.

For some time now, the camels had been replaced with gasoline or diesel fueled trucks.  They traveled in well-guarded convoys and the first three raids were miserable failures.  Every truck had at least one guy, riding shotgun, generally with a Remington pump loaded with double “0” shot.  The fourth hi-jacking however, was a great success and resulted in a bunch of swag for his men.  Part of its success could have had something to do with the fact that it occurred during the Holy Month of Ramadan.  Naturally, our Prophet provided a convenient revelation to justify abusing this “Holy Month”.  With this success, recruits came out of the woodwork to join him.

Two months after the first successful raid, again in 1957, Muhammad personally led 300 men and ambushed a large convoy, from his old hometown (Mekkah).  The convoy was well protected by a much larger number of men than Muhammad’s force.  Even so, his group won and took about 60 captives, and killed the convoy’s leader, Abu Jahl, an old enemy.  Abu Jahl’s head, and the prisoners were brought to Muhammad.  He personally saw to it that they also lost their heads.  There were no bulldozers or back-hoes in the area as yet, so the soon-to-be- murdered had to dig a big hole for their own common grave.  A witness at the scene later told The London Times, after getting to safety in Europe, that Muhammad’s men played “rock-paper-scissors” to see which ones would have to cover up the bodies.  .

About this time, Allah’s Prophet received a couple more convenient revelations.  One was, “You desire the lure of this world, and Allah desires for you the Hereafter and Allah is Mighty; Wise.  Now enjoy what you have won as lawful and good, and keep your duty to Allah”.  Another was:  “Allah guarantees that he will let his Holy Warriors, fighting for his cause, into Heaven if he gets killed; otherwise He will get him back home safely with rewards and booty”.  (Note:  To avoid any misunderstanding, by our Webster-deprived  readers, the older meaning of “booty” is spoils of war; not the rear end of a female.)

After his first successful raid, Muhammad felt powerful enough to start a reign of terror among the citizens of the city that had given him refuge.  He had several people murdered that he considered had slighted him in even the smallest way, such as making fun of his storytelling or turning down an invitation to come over for goat-burgers at one of his backyard barbecues.  And the ones that had previously laughed their heads off at the notion that he was God’s Prophet, went to the head of the line; not to enjoy his camel-chip goat-burgers, but to lose their heads!

Then, he turned his attention to the general population.  They could get out of town in a hurry, convert to his new religion, or lose their heads.  And, amazingly, several thousand, in fact most of the town’s population, suddenly felt that, yes indeed, this new religion did  make a great deal of sense, and yes, undoubtedly Muhammad was God’s Last and Most Perfect Prophet!  Many Jews and Christians left, but one tribe of Jews stayed.  Since our Prophet was still interested in converting them, they kept their heads a while longer.  About this time he received a revelation to make sure that he would get his cut of future booty.  Before this revelation, each cutthroat was allowed to keep everything that he could personally grab, but since our Prophet was more a lover than fighter, he sometimes stayed behind, and was missing out.  This was corrected, by a convenient revelation to take care of the situation:   “You’re asked about the prey.  Just say the prey belongs to Allah and his Prophet, and whatever booty is taken, a fifth is for Allah and for his Messenger (Muhammad) and his relatives”.

Three years later, in 1961, his relatives and their allies decided to get rid of Muhammad once and for all!  They came with a force of about 10,000 men, and attacked his adopted town.  However, the Prophet had done a bang up job of planning the city’s defenses, including digging some big ditches around the town.  After only a few weeks, his enemies lost interest and went back home.  This was Muhammad’s greatest victory, and practically without a loss. He knew that he would soon be a big frog in a big pond!

After this success, he decided to get rid of the last Jewish tribe of the city.  Practically none had converted and Muhammad was convinced that they had been spying for his enemies, which they probably were.  They were rounded up and given a last chance to convert to the new religion.  Most refused, and so the killing began.  From 700 to 900 men and teen-age boys, (who keeps count at such occasions), plus a considerable number of senior citizens, that wouldn’t have made good slaves anyway, had their heads lopped off in front of their families.  It   took so long that torches were lighted to continue the job through the night.  In the morning the girls and women were raped.  The Prophet spied one Jewess, Raihana bint Amr, who looked really hot, so he grabbed her for his own harem.  Some hours before achieving this honor, she had seen her husband and father beheaded.  There is no record of how she reacted to the situation.  A Jewish rabbi, who had had the good sense to leave town some months before, on hearing of the massacre, was quoted as saying:  “I can only wish that she (Raihana) had been as strong for Yahweh as Ja’el”!

A big fringe benefit of wiping out the last Jewish tribe in the area was the considerable wealth of several hundred households.  But after all, the dead and slaves no longer needed it!  Muhammad’s warriors made out well, but Muhammad even more so!  From Allah’s previous revelation, of some three years before, Allah, the Prophet, and his relatives kept a fifth of everything.  We might suppose that our Prophet administered the booty of any relatives, still on speaking terms with him, and that of Allah.    .

Also, in 1961, Muhammad married his seventh wife, Zeinab bint Hajash.  She was a cousin, and before this marriage, blessed by Allah, came about, she had been his daughter-in-law, the wife of his adopted son, Zayd.  The Prophet went looking for Zayd one day.  He wasn’t at home, but Zeinab was there, evidently not properly dressed to receive company.  It didn’t take long for her to pick up that her Daddy-in-law was coming on to her in a big way. Muhammad left, but when Zayd came home, Zeinab told him about the visit.  Zayd, had evidently been around the block a couple of times, and without falling off the turnip truck!  He made a wise decision and hurriedly divorced her!  Zayd knew there were plenty of women around, but a guy has only one head!  Fortunately, Allah stepped in to approve of the situation with a divine revelation for his Prophet.  It was:  “So, when Zayd had accomplished what he would of her, then we gave her in marriage to thee (Muhammad), so that there should not be any fault in the believers, touching the wives of their adopted sons, when they have accomplished what they would of them; and Allah’s commandments must be performed”.  Zayd was probably lucky to have been rid of her; Zeinab must really have been an airhead!  She bragged that Muhammad selected his other wives, but only she, had been selected by Allah to become the wife of the Prophet!   (Note:  This story seems so fantastic that our readers may wish to check out the appropriate verses of “God’s Holy Book”.  They are Sura 33:37.)  Zeinab was about 35 at the time, but evidently still a beautiful woman.  She was, except for a Christian slave, Mary, Aisha’s chief rival in the harem.

In 1961, after defeat of his relatives and their allies of his hometown, practically every cutthroat in the area wanted to join up.  Our Prophet had invented a winning combination; bandits could continue to do what they did best, rape, murder, and pillage, with all crimes approved by Allah!  And, if you got killed while doing your thing, you had a free pass to Heaven; no need to pass “Go”.  On arrival in Paradise, you could count on an eternal erection and 72 beautiful brown-eyed girls, with perky titties, not the saggy kind, to keep your interest.  Of course, there were many other benefits, too numerous to mention all, but one was:  Scores of handsome young serving boys, on call 24/7, to serve snacks around the clock on golden trays.  And, for those not all that interested in the brown-eyed babes with perky titties, they might get lucky with the serving boys!

In 1964, our Prophet, now 60, marches with 10,000 men, on his old hometown, that he had left only eight years before.  The gates are opened to him, and his control over the whole area becomes complete.  He took over the shrine, broke the statues of the false gods, and proclaimed that only Allah would be worshipped there.  New admission tickets were rapidly printed.

For the last three years of his life, he stayed close to home, doing what he did best, giving numerous revelations of Allah, and servicing the ladies as king of the local stud-muffins.  In 1967, at the age of 63, partially bald, and wearing a henna wig full of cooties, he died of some sort of fever.  Several thousand attended his funeral, though it might be imagined that as many came to be certain that he was really dead, as those who actually mourned his death.  As planned, Abu Bakr then took over, and Aisha, now as the widow of God’s Holy Prophet, and daughter of his successor, took absolute control of the harem, and made Hell on earth for the rest of the women.

In 1967, though the United States and the Soviet Union were locked in the Cold War, most of the free world was undergoing a period of great prosperity.  Christianity and Judaism, peaceful and constructive religions, both respecting knowledge and human rights of the individual, had influenced most of the world.  This combination contributed to the prosperity of most nations, even those to the south and east of the Mediterranean.  The entire Middle East was Christian and Jewish, though other religions were respected.  Egypt was the major exporter of grain in the Middle East and The Balkans, almost 100% Christian, were peaceful.  Iran and India were prosperous under their own religions.  With the exception of the countries held under world Communism, and still some areas of Africa, most countries could determine their own futures.  And, yes, of course, some information trickled to the outside world, of what was happening in the Prophet’s little area.  A new religion with the catchy name of Islam (or “Peace” in the local language) had been invented, and had been expanded locally by the sharp edge of a sword!

But no one much cared; after all, the area had few resources worth considering.  It might have been different if there had been any oil discovered there.  With a discovery of petroleum reserves of any size, anywhere in the world, the multi-national oil companies rush in to cut a deal with whatever type of existing government, regardless of how corrupt.  Fortunately for the world, Islam’s real estate had no oil reserves; otherwise the more developed nations of the world might have contributed to more and more slavery and genocide.

And so, in 1971, only four years after the Prophet’s death, Abu Bakr tried to take Islam’s “dog and pony” show on the road, with the invasion of a neighboring country to the north.  He failed; NATO reacted quickly and Bakr retired, with heavy losses.  The U.N. decided to deploy a few hundred troops along the southern border of the country that had been invaded, as “peacekeepers”, just in case Bakr decided to try again.  He didn’t!

So, even today, in the 21st century, the area, for most of its people, is still a reflection of the Dark Ages.  Ignorance, poverty, cruelty and fear still govern their everyday lives.  Of a total population of 18 million about 70,000 live in luxury, with around 200,000 slaves, mostly women of the harems.  And women in general are only slightly above a slave.  A woman cannot leave home, and travel anywhere, unless covered from head to toe, and accompanied by a male relative.  She completely loses control of her children when boys are seven and girls are nine.  To make their daughters more desirable for marriage, some mothers encourage them to have a painful and barbaric operation, a clitoridectomy.  The operation severs the nerves to the clitoris, so that their daughters cannot enjoy sex.  Under Islam, that pleasure is exclusively for men!  She cannot drive a car, get a decent education without permission, own a business without having a male relative as intermediary, or be admitted to a hospital without the approval of a male relative.  She can be divorced, by her husband pointing a finger at her, and saying, “I divorce you”!, three times in succession.  This also can be done, by tacking a note to the refrigerator, but there is still an ongoing discussion if this can be done by telephone.  Her husband can marry as many other wives as he wishes and is not obligated to tell her. He can also have as many “afternoon wives” as he can convince to go along with him on this flaky deal.  The “afternoon wife” has to giver up any legal rights for herself, and any children born out of this arrangement, for a few minutes of pleasure in the afternoons.  However, it is extremely difficult for a woman to divorce a husband.  A woman receives half the inheritance of a brother, and in a court case, her testimony will count as only half that of a male.

The schools are still teaching that the world is flat and that the sun revolves around the earth.  And, of course, the big black rock is still a great moneymaker!

* * * * *

Author’s Notes:

(1) THE LAST TWO PARAGRAPHS ABOVE ARE AN ENTIRELY ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF LIFE TODAY IN SAUDI ARABIA, THE SEAT OF ISLAM IN THE YEAR 2005!  Most of this information is from the U.S. State Department, Country Report on Human Rights Practices in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia for 2002.  This report can be found in most public libraries.

(2) Though the above article is a fanciful attempt to re-write history, the facts are essentially correct, regarding the life of Muhammad.  And conjecture, as to how the Middle East, and other parts of the world, would have fared without Islam, and the discovery of vast petroleum reserves in the region, could well be accurate.

(3) Muhammad was personally guilty of murder, including by crucifixion, rape, torture, abductions, extortion, slavery, theft, mutilations, adultery, abuse of women, physically and sexually, and at least one case of sexual abuse of a child. This is all well documented history!

(4) If a megalomaniac, such as Muhammad, were to appear on the scene today, the civilized world would sooner or later react.  It would at least insure that his crimes would be confined to his own area of the world (Saudi Arabia), still a festering pus-filled carbuncle on the backside of the world!  He would not have had the opportunity to pass on his blueprint of conquest, responsible for the longest record of genocide and slavery known to history.  Islam was until quite recently, spread exclusively by the sword!  Of the estimated 1.5 billion Muslims of the world, less than 10% are Arabs, or of Arabic descent, the remainder, are descendants of societies conquered and enslaved by Islam over a period of more than 1,300 years!

“A religion, as a man, must be judged by the fruits of having existed; what has Islam given to our world, except genocide, slavery and denigration of the human spirit?”   [This quote from M.J. Haipur in 1997].

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